On The Creation Of The Cat
An addition to Bible It is reported that the following edition
of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with
me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here
and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you,
so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you
as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to
be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was
pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he
wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named
all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said,
"Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and
you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a
companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God
was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a
while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He
struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one
has taught him humility." And the Lord said, "I will create for
him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him
as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he
will know that he is not worthy of adoration." And God created
CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And
when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not
the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or
the other.
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CAT DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
danglingobjects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going
is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from
ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another houseplant.DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my
captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an
attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try
this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors
with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of
the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of,
and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only
cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent
such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies
and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and
seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a
half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue
(something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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LAW OF THE CAT
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted
upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat
food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there's a
really good reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric
.4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in
the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat StretchingA cat will stretch to a distance proportional
to the
length of the nap just taken
.6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in
a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible
for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about
any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready
to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's
desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed
and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed
of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat
within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human laughter
.19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly
proportional to the cost of the furniture.
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