DOG JOKES

Return to the Archives
Google

JOKE #1

Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to his
neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the
dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog
quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail
wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright
with anticipation.

Morris points to the dog and commands, "SIT "...

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His
tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears. Looking
balefully up at his master, he says in a whiny voice.....
..."You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy!
It hurts from so much wagging! And you think that designer dog
food you're feeding me is good? You try it. It's dreck! Too
salty! And what do you care? You just push me out the door to
take a squirt twice a day. I can't even remember the last time
you took me out for a good walk."

The neighbor is amazed. "What the world is that? Your dog is
sitting there talking!!"

"Oh, I know", explains the dog owner, "He's young, and I'm
still training him. He thought I said, "bitch."

JOKE #2

A bar owner had a dog of whom he was very fond.
One day there was a terrible accident, and the dog
was run over and killed. In the accident, his tail came
of an the bar owner decided to keep it as a souvenir of
his pet.

The dog found himself at the gates of Heaven, but St
Peter would not let him in because he was not complete.
He told him that he could have one hour to go back to
earth, and get his tail stuck on.

It was midnight when he got back to earth, and the little
dog quickly went to the back door of the bar, and scratched
and scratched util the bar owner appeared.

Quickly he explained what had happened, having been given
the gift of speech for his mission.

"So please, he finished, can you glue my lost appendage
back in place so that I can get into Heaven".

The bar owner scratched his chin.

"Sorry", he said, "But you know that I can't retail
spirits after hours."

JOKE #3

There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train,
but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair
when he happened across a very charismatic evangelist.

He unburdened his soul to the preacher, who promptly informed
him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained
in a jiffy.

The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist
got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the
dog to give a demonstration.

Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly
the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns.

The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at
his feet. "Roll over," and the dog rolls over.

By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he
can have a go. "Sure," replies the evangelist.

"Heel," says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it
on the man's forehead and says, "I command this sickness to
leave you..."

JOKE #4

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is
a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for
five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding
with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such
animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.
"Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel.
He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes
me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog
in America. I performed before kings. I was in the
army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you
want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of
all his lies." 

POSTED 10-17-99
My friend said that he had dogs that talked in their sleep.
Sceptical, I went to see.  In front of the fireplace lay a hound
fast asleep.
The dog mumbled "I've just written a best seller."
Later, he said, "I've just returned from the moon."
I was impressed and said so.  "But, he tells lies," I said.
"Yes, he does," said my friend.  "But that's OK.  When you
have a talking dog, you've got to make allowances.  I find
that it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

JOKE #5

Two men were bragging about their dogs.
"Look", one said,"I tell mine to fetch a fish. It jumps in
the river and brings out a large trout."
"That's nothing," said the other," I put $5 in my dog's mouth.
He jumps in the river, brings out a huge fish and $2.50 change."

More Jokes!
TALLTALES   JOKES   LIGHT STORIES   HOME   FUN PAGES   FREE NEWSLETTERS   ONLINE GAMES