POSTED 03-02-01

JOKE #1

George W. was a customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery. He marveled 
at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies,
lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But 
since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on 
it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively 
brilliant."

"You sell them here?" George W. asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

George W. buys three. A week later, he's back in the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't
any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris. George goes home with
20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time 
he's really angry.

"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 
apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2.
...You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

JOKE #2

George W. was giving a speech in Latin America.  He was going
to use a translator, but to identify with his audience,
he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen."  He arrived at the
auditorium a little early and realized he did not know
the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen.  Being
rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building
where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the
two doors, and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he
stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen."  The audience was shocked.  The people
seemed stunned.  He didn't know whether he had offended
them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood
him.  So he decided to repeat it.  Again in Spanish he
said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker.  Pretty
soon the entire audience was laughing.  Finally,
someone told him that he had said, "Good evening,
bathrooms and broom closets!"

JOKE #3
It's easy to tell the difference between former President 
George Bush and his son, Dubya.

They are George and Boy George.

JOKE #4

WASHINGTON-President George W. Bush announced an initiative to develop
a faith-based missile defense.  "For too long, military planners have
been denied the use of the supernatural in attempting to protect
American citizens from attack," Bush declared today in a speech to the
National Association of Amateur Submarine Captains.  "There is no
reason why we cannot maintain a healthy separation of church and state
while still calling on divine intervention for the Pentagon budget.
Faith-based missile defense will be constitutional and fully consistent
with the way the Founding Fathers expected this great nation to handle
ICBM threats," the president said.

The faith-based defense would be nondenominational and designed to
protect Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and Wiccans, as well as Christians,
officials said.  (For technical reasons, it is unclear whether
nonbelievers can be protected.)  Pentagon sources say the system is
code-named Rapture.

Initial plans call for Rapture components to be hidden in the steeples
of churches, which are about the size and shape of rockets, and
possibly in Catholic cardinals' miters.  "If we put a Rapture
anti-missile missile in every church steeple in America, even small
towns will be defended, and the spending will be distributed to all
congressional districts," an informed official said.  The schedule for
development and construction is uncertain, depending on how quickly
cost overruns can begin.

White House officials insisted the system would pose no threat to the
religions of other nations and said that leadership at the Vatican,
Constantinople, Mecca, Amritsar, and other key world-faith sites would
be fully briefed on the project.  "However there is some concern about
what would happen if this technology fell into the hands of the
Lubavitchers," one senior aide said.

A Hagodoh that feeds the hungry!  A carefully translated and revised 
version of the Haggadah, handsomely printed.  The entire $6 purchase 
price goes to charity. http://haggadah.freeservers.com/ 

While operational details of the system are apparently still being
worked out, during an attack by an ICBM launched by a "rogue state" or
possibly by Marc Rich, computers for the faith-based system would
rapidly activate a "prayer circle" of persons who will register with a
database as being willing to pray for national survival.  Automated
cell phone and instant-messenger messages would instruct the persons in
the prayer circle on the altitude, azimuth, velocity, and orbital
trajectory of the incoming threat; they would then employ prayer to
guide the Rapture defensive missiles to the intercept point.  "It's a
pretty cool concept technologically, although there is a danger of fire
when each missile blasts out of its housing in the steeple," one
official said.

Critics said the system could be fooled if incoming warheads were
surrounded by a cloud of Torahs, Korans, Upanishads, and Gospels as
decoys.  In secret tests conducted last month on a remote Pacific Ocean
island, a prayer-circle guidance team proved unable to distinguish
between a dummy nuclear warhead and a specially reinforced hymnal when
both were re-entering the atmosphere at speeds in excess of 8,000 miles
per hour.

President Bush also authorized the creation of an Office of Faith-Based
Research and Development at the Pentagon and named evangelist James
Dobson to head the project.  (Lockheed Martin will provide management
services.)  Dobson told reporters that he envisioned moving the Defense
Department beyond tanks, fighters, and aircraft carriers into an entire
new generation of faith-based munitions.  "Lightning and swords will be
the weapons of Armageddon, so America must begin to stockpile the most
lethal, technologically advanced blades and energy-bolt projectors that
our science can design," Dobson said.  "Saddam Hussein isn't working on
plutonium, he is trying to develop seven-headed dragons and gigantic
armored locusts.  We're going to have a little surprise ready when he
tries to use them."

Dobson displayed a prototype faith-based infantry weapon-a gilded staff
that, he said, could hurl a powerful lightning bolt, scorching into
powder whatever it was pointed at.  He urged onlookers to try the
weapon at a hastily arranged demonstration range.  But when several
reporters attempted to fire the staff, nothing happened.  "That's
because you're all journalists," Dobson said.  "It only works for
believers."

Separately, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said that George W.
Bush favored changing the slogan on U.S.  coinage and tender from "In
God We Trust" to "God Help Us."  This phrasing "better reflects the
president's feelings about the coming four years," 

JOKE #5

There was a certain married couple sleeping and violent serial killer
entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck
of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims
before I kill them, what is your name?"
"Laura," the woman whimpered.

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named
Laura, so I shall spare your life."
The intruder then turned to the husband and demanded his name.
Sweatingly he replied, "George...but my friends call me Laura!"

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