KIDS JOKES |
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JOKE #1
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said. Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God (wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh, " Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
JOKE #2
Sally was four and just beginning to peel from her very first sunburn. As she looked in the mirror, tears filled her eyes, and she said, "Look at me. I'm only four and I'm already starting to wear out."
JOKE #3
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
JOKE #4
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. he first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
JOKE #5
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
JOKE #6
Teacher: Johnny, if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?
Little Johnny: A massive heart attack!
JOKE #7
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
JOKE #8
"What did you learn today?" the mother asked her son, after his first day at school.
"Not enough, I guess," the boy replied. "I have to go back tomorrow."
JOKE #9
The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "Timmy, how should I correct that?"
Timmy replied, "Maybe you should get a new boyfriend?"
JOKE #10
It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, Miss Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could go to lunch.
The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. Miss Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle.
To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and announced, "Teacher, these boots aren't mine." In a hurry, but wanting to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the boots and straightened her aching back.
Whereupon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's,
but
Mommy said I could wear them to school today."
JOKE #11
A little boy, who was not very smart, was in the 3rd grade.
The teacher decided to work with him one on one. So, she
said, "If you put your hand in your left pocket and pull out
a nickel and then put your other hand in your right pocket
and pulled out another nickel, what would you have?"
He thought for a minute and then said, "I would have someone
else’s pants on".
JOKE #12
The math teacher saw that Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
EXTRA JOKE
A man took his two sons to a restaurant that was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. A harried waitress took his order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
He was trying to keep his kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented his 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
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