POSTED 03-02-01
JOKE #1
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young
players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together
as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're
out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do
you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain that to
your mother."
JOKE #2
A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said
to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did
they come from?"
"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.
"But where are the glaciers?"
"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone
back for more rocks."
JOKE #3
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and
keep away from children.
JOKE #4
George went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and
asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," George said with joy, "I have
been illiterate for so long."
JOKE #5
Juan and Pepe were constant companions. Juan was a calm laid
back individual and never complained. Pepe was very nervous
and always complaining about something.
One day Pepe said to Juan, "Juan how do you manage to get
along with everybody?"
Juan answered, "Oh, I just never disagree with anybody."
Pepe said, "Juan, you are a liar."
Juan said, "I know it."
JOKE #6
Aboard the plane for his first practice jump, the nervous
paratrooper trainee couldn't suppress his apprehension.
"Suppose the parachute doesn't open," he asked the sergeant.
"Just return it to the commissary. They'll give you a new
one."
JOKE #7
A well-dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five-star restaurant,
sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The
bartender brings the drinks and the gentleman downs all four
in less than 20 seconds.
"Wow," the bartender says, "you sure must have a problem."
"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them
fast, too."
Leaning over, the bartender says, sympathetically, "That's
awful. What do you have?"
"Fifty cents."
JOKE #8
Four guys are driving cross-country together: one from Idaho,
one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New
York. One day, as they are driving, the Idaho guy starts pulling
potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window. The Iowa
guy turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?"
The Idaho guy says, "Man, we have so many of these darned things
in Idaho. I'm I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the Iowa guy begins pulling husks of
corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The Florida
guy asks "What are you doing that for?"
"Man, we have so many of these things in Iowa. I'm sick of
looking at them!" the Iowa guy replies.
Suddenly, the guy from Florida opens the car door and pushes
the New Yorker out.
JOKE #9
A pickpocket is on trial for a series of petty crimes. The
judge says: "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The pickpocket's lawyer stands up and says: "Thank you, Your
Honor, but I'm afraid my client only has $75. However, if you
would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
JOKE #10
Barber: "Your hair is getting gray."
Customer: "Try cutting a little faster."
JOKE #11
Visiting the modern art museum an old lady turned to an
attendant standing nearby. "This", she said, "I suppose,
is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, ma'am." replied the attendant. "That one's called a
mirror."
JOKE #12
The man was seated in the cafeteria when a woman and her two
children sat down nearby and began to eat. Suddenly the man
belched.
"Sir," said the woman haughtily, "Are you in the habit of
doing that before YOUR children?"
"Well, I'll tell you, ma'am," he replied. "There are no
rules in my house. Sometimes I go first, sometimes they
go first."
JOKE #13
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing
a hat, to the photographer and asked if he could remove the
hat from the picture.
"Sure," the photographr said. Just tell me which side he
parted his hair on."
"Gee," the woman replies, "I forgot. But you can see for
yourself when you take off his hat."
JOKE #14
At the end of a job interview, the interviewer asks a young
engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
"Something in the neighborhood of $150,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package," the engineer replies.
"I see," the interviewer says. "Well, what would you say to
a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical
and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,
and a company car - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer almost jumps for joy, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yes," the interviewer replies. "But you started it."
JOKE #15
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the
other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear,
shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward
him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as
fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a
little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he
reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too
close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went
rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin
door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one
while I go and get another!"
JOKE #16
A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist
season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed
on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye
of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over
five years since I first came in here." "You'll have to wait
your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only
serve one table at a time."
JOKE #17
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water
hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping
the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He
dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma
asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed
Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been
there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why,
he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as
I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
JOKE #18
Panting and sweating, two men on a tandem bicycle finally made
it to the top of a steep hill.
"That was a tough climb," said the front rider.
"Sure was," replied the second. "And if I hadn't kept the
brake on, we would have slid down backward."
JOKE #19
While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and
downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his
financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the
fluctuations?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and
cry for a couple of hours."
JOKE #20
Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter
came and took their orders for drinks.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.
"I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggie.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.
The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took
their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any
dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.
"I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little
piggie.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only
ordered water?"
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"
replied the third little piggie.
JOKE #21
At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale to
weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that
the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure
the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on
the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting
the second amount from the first.
"It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm
the aunt."
JOKE #22
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man
replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk
out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he
was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants
to buy the other half...
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself
in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy
replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?"
asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and
hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy
replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?
JOKE #23
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his
chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and
a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must
have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so
exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down
and all of us had to do our own thinking."
JOKE #24
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please
hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to
get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off
my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand
pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The
bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing
more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two
blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
JOKE #25
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been
canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual
physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army
doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are
extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
JOKE #26
Some tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in
Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a
stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced
in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same
landlord I have."
JOKE #27
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising
activity. One ambitious young man knocked on a door and a
sour-faced lady came to the door and asked: "What do you
want, Sonny?"
"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts,
M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked.
"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who
would drink beer?" replied the lady.
"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar
bottles?"
JOKE #28
Q. What has four legs and one arm?
A. A happy pit bull.
JOKE #29
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in
the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature
dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came
across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The
hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite
hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission
to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin
was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ...
2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment.
Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It
was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was
strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in
midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that
this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated
this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously
experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing
the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he
has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly
throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm
sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious
meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for
centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without
resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned,
they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy
pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much
stove pipe."
JOKE #30
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their
camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going
to die. But, we sorry for you, so we give you one wish a day for
three days. On sundown of third day, you will die. What is first
wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and
whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse
takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the
cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white
man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the
horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on
the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a redhead.
She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The
Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going
to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish,
white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by
both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn
it!!"
JOKE #31
While stationed in Washington, D.C., a man used Arlington
National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at
Fort Myer. To his surprise he encountered a roadblock manned by
the military police.
An MP approached him and said in a stern voice, "Are you supposed
to be here?"
Unsure of what to say, he replied, "Not yet." The MP held back a
smile and waved him on.
JOKE #32
It was the day of the really big shopping day, the day after
Thanksgiving, the beginning of the commercial Christmas
season. Rumors of a sale caused a long line to form by 8:30,
the store's opening time, in front of a small toy store.
Suddenly, a short man pushed his way to the front of the
line. Someone angrily pushed him back. But the man came
back. This time, someone punched him in the nose, then
threw him back to the end of the line again.
"Well, that's it," the little man said, picking himself up
off the ground. "If one of you hits me one more time, I'm
not opening the store!"
JOKE #33
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large
company and hands the executive his application. The executive
begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has
been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is
terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive
in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least
I'm not a quitter."
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