POSTED 03-02-01
JOKE #1
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie
popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your
third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be
getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second
wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your
second wish was for me to put everything back the way it
was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember
nothing, because everything is the way it was before you
made any wishes. You have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the
heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and
disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too."
JOKE #2
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived
babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled...isn't
she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile!"
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
JOKE #3
A man and a woman get stuck in an elevator. Suddenly, the woman
takes off all her clothes, throws them on the floor and says,
"Make me a women."
So the man takes off all his clothes, throws them on the floor
and says, "Pick them up."
JOKE #4
A passenger plane runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets
pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are
screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that
they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims,
"I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like
an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me
at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man
enough to make me feel like woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts
to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off
his shirt.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of
the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says
to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die.
Are you interested?"
Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!
So the man hands her his shirt and says, "Here. Iron this."
JOKE #5
Jill: I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment!
Mary: Tell me about it! I dated one guy for a year and a half,
and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.
Jill: What did you say?
Mary: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me
your last name, or it's over!"
JOKE #6
Larry Vermont came home weeping bitterly. He had gone to
propose to his girl and his father eagerly awaited her
response. "So what happened, Larry?" the old man asked.
"Did she accept?" "Oh, Dad, she sure didn't. When I told
her what you advised me to do, she slapped my face and sent
me home."
"Did you start out by saying what I told you to, what I
told your mother when she accepted my proposal?
'Dear, time stands still when I look in your eyes.'
Did you say that?" "Holy smokes, Dad, I got it all wrong.
I said, 'My dear, your face would stop a clock!'"
JOKE #7
Q. Why is bigamy so rare?
A. Who wants two mothers-in-law.?
Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own
business?
A1. No mind A2. No business
JOKE #8
Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a
beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her
baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down
three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.
As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her.
She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then
said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great
strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."
"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off
three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"
JOKE #9
A woman was driving along a mountain road. Round a sharp bend,
she met a man driving the other way. He stuck his head out
the window and yelled at her, "Cow!"
Incensed, she yelled back, "Imbecile!"
Rounding the corner, she slammed on the brakes to avoid a cow
clomping in the middle of the road.
JOKE #10
George Johnson, a hard-bitten man of early middle age, had
evaded many a marital trap, but was now hopelessly in love with
pretty young Nancy. Finally he said, "Will you marry me, Nancy?"
She smiled and said, "Oh yes, George."
There followed a long silence, till Nancy said, "Well, say
something more, George."
And Johnson said hollowly, "I think I've said too much as it
is."
JOKE #11
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he
had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and
on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked
meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the
woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see
how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned.
"She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
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