POSTED 03-02-01
JOKE #1
A middle-aged couple is having dinner in the local restaurant.
"Tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish," the
waiter says.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the wife says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?"
"Oh, he'll have the fish."
JOKE #2
A doctor examines a woman, then takes the husband aside and
says, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me, neither, Doc." says the husband, "but she's a great cook
and really good with the kids."
JOKE #3
A Texas twister hit a ranch house just before dawn one morning.
It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the
a man and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the
next county. The wife began to cry.
"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."
Mary continued to cry. "George, I'm not scared," she responded
between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14
years we've been out together."
JOKE #4
Joe: You're always calling your wife "Angel." Is it because
she's so sweet?"
Bob: "Nope, it's because she's always harping on something."
JOKE #5
Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was
teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway,
they saw a funeral precession go by.
Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it
on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, one of the other three said, "You know, that
was the most touching thing I've ever seen."
And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years.
It was the least I could do!"
JOKE #6
Ma and Pa have just moved into their new farm. Pa installs a
bell on the front porch and tells Ma, "If trouble comes while
I'm out in the field a plowin' then you just ring that bell
and I'll come a-runnin.'"
The next day, Pa hears the bell and takes off for home. When
he gets there, Ma says, "Them boys are givin' me a hard time
about doin' the chores and little Sammy done stuck the butter
knife in the molasses without lickin' the blade clean first."
Pa says, "You mean, I just run all the way in from the fields
for this? Next time, it had better be important!"
The next day, Pa hears the bell and takes off for home again.
When he gets there, he finds his wife, in tears, standing
over a broken clothes line. "Pa", she says "some jackass
came ridin' through here on a mule and ran right through
the clothes line and ruint the washin.'"
"Tarnation, woman!" Pa yells. "I told you not to ring that
bell unless it was somethin' bad! The next time you call
me over here for no reason, I'm a-gonna raise holy hell!"
The next day, Pa hears the bell again. "This better be
important," he growls to himself, as he rushes back to
the farmhouse. "When he reaches it, there's Ma clinging
to the porch rail with a spear in her back, the house is
in flames and the chickens are laying dead in the front
yard, shot full of arrows. Pa takes one good look and
says, "Now that's more like it!"
JOKE #7
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like
this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was
my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'"
JOKE #8
A man was complaining:
Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard; meantime my
wife stays at home; I would give anything if you would grant
me one wish; "Switch me into my wife"; She's got it easy at
home. I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life
is.
As God was listening, he felt sorry for this soul and granted
his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch
boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school,
puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of
the freezer to defrost for dinner, and drives the kids to
school. He tackles some errands while out, stopping to gas
up the car, then on to the bank to cash a check, pays the
electric and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the
cleaners, and makes a quick stop at the grocery store for a
few items.
By now, it is 1:00 o'clock. He makes the beds, takes the
clothes out of the washer and puts in another load, plus
vacuums the house, prepares a rice casserole. Then, off to
pick up the kids from school, settling their arguments on the
way home.
Arriving home, he offers the kids a snack and cleans up the
mess, drapes the damp clothes from the second load of laundry
over the kitchen chairs because it is raining outside.
He finishes preparing dinner and afterwards helps the kids
with their homework, then watches some TV while he irons
clothes, supervises the kids getting their baths and tucks
them in for the night.
At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired he heads for bed,
but there were still a few more chores to be completed.
Somehow he finishes them and finally falls asleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again:
Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant
my wish...I can't take it anymore. I beg you to please
switch me back to myself...please, oh please!
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying:
Dear son, of course I'll switch you back into yourself,
but there's one minor detail...you will have to wait nine
months because last night you got pregnant.
JOKE #9
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went
to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the
following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside
table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning
and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside
table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
JOKE #3
The banker had called the man in to talk about his account.
"Your financial affairs are in a mess. Your wife constantly
overdraws your account. She is behind in her charge accounts
at the department store, and her check stubs are all added
wrong. Why don't you talk to her about it?"
"Because," said the man, "I would rather argue with you than
with her."
JOKE #10
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No
longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
JOKE #11
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy
husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My
mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt
bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be,"
he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give
us a cent!"
JOKE #12
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to
bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really
cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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