"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily
bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to
take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top
of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of
the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I
couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to
go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't
see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read
that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the
top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

JOKE #2

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was
intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long
line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope
would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few
words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked
right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope
then stopped next to a shabbily dressed homeless man,
leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear, and
made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the
drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to
exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak
to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting
to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The
Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When
he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American
and spoke softly into his ear...

"I thought I told you yesterday to keep your butt out of
here."

 
JOKE #3

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats
in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered,
"Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat."

The man moaned but didn't budge.

"Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move,
I'll have to call the manager."

The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher
left and returned with the manager, who, after making
attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right,
what's your name, joker?"

"Joe," the man mumbled.

"Where're you from, Joe?"

Joe responded painfully, ...  "The balcony."

JOKE #4

A man who worked at being a "great dad" to his young sons
took time to spend time with them, during the day he played
games with them and every night before their bed time he read
them a fairy tale. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he
often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class
as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to acquire building materials for his home. She
said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow
full of straw and said "Pardon me sir,  but might I have some
of that straw to build my house with?"

Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that
man said?" and young son raised his hand and said "I know!
I know! He said 'Hot Damn!! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

JOKE #5

An old woman goes to her daughter-in-law's every day for
lunch.  She always asks for soup, says she doesn't require
much and certainly wouldn't want to put her "daughter" to
a lot of work. Well, one day, the daughter-in-law asks
the old woman how she liked the meal. The old woman replies,
"Was good, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the daughter-in-law serves the old woman four
slices of bread.  "How was your meal, mother?" the daughter-
in-law asks.
"Was good, but you could give a little more bread," comes the
reply.

So the next day the daughter-in-law serves eight slices of
bread.  "How was your meal today, mother?" the daughter-in-law
asks.
"Was good, but you could give a little more bread," comes the
reply.

So ... the next day the daughter-in-law served a whole loaf
of bread with the soup.  "How was your meal, mother?"
"Was good, but you could give just a little more bread,"
comes the reply once again.

The daughter-in-law is now obsessed with seeing her
mother-in-law say that she is satisfied with his meal, so
the daughter-in-law goes to the bakery, and orders a
six-foot-long loaf of bread.  When the old woman comes
for lunch as usual the next day, the daughter-in-law cuts the
loaf in half, butters the entire length of each half, and
places it on a tray, right next to the bowl of soup.  The
old woman sits down, and devours both the bowl of soup, and
both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The daughter-in-law now thinks she will get the answer she
is looking for, and when the old woman looks up from the
table, the daughter-in-law asks in the usual way:  "How was
the meal TODAY, mother?"

The old woman replies:  "It was good as usual, but I see
you are back to serving only two slices of bread!"

JOKE #6

A traveller became lost in the desert region of Algeria.
Realising his only chance for survival was to find
civilisation, he began walking.  Time passed, and he
became thirsty.  More time passed, and he began feeling
faint.  Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of
passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front
of him.  Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called
out, "Water...".

A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied
sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water.
However, would you like to buy a tie?"

With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man.  "I'm dying!  I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need
water, there is a tent about 2 kilometres south of here
where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength
to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent.
With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of
the tent and collapsed.

Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at
the door and inquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't
come in here without a tie!"

JOKE #7

A young man and his Very Attractive girlfriend were driving
along one day. He noticed that she kept looking at him and
smiling. Then she leant over and whispered in his ear, "Can
you drive using only one hand?"

I sure can he grinned, thinking his luck was in.

Good she said, "then wipe your nose; it's running"

JOKE #8

There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard
as they could, were unable to produce children.  After
consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they
were still unsatisfied.  Finally, they consulted their family
priest.

"My children," the priest began, "God will listen to your
prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children
shortly.  In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I
am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure
everything will work out just fine for you.  My stay in Rome
will be for quite some time - 15 years.  But when I return,
I will be sure to pay you a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to
the United States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer
morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that
he had made 15 years ago.

Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people
who sought his counsel years previously, he rang the doorbell.
Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air!
Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered,
he entered the house.  More than a dozen children filled the
house from top to bottom!  In the midst of all the chaos,
stood the wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been
answered!  And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate
him too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome?  Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.

She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, "TO BLOW
OUT THAT DAMN CANDLE YOU LIT!"

JOKE #9

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so
Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.  When they got to
the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and
told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her
at work.  When it was time for supper, he complimented his
wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved
her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was
surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.  Joe said that
he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their
marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go.  When he got home, he gave his
wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.  She said, "This
is the worst day of my life.  First, little Billy fell off his
bike and twisted his ankle.  Then, the washing machine broke
and flooded the basement.  And now,you come home drunk!"

JOKE 10

JOKE 11

JOKE 12

JOKE 13

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a
while he was going to cross the road. Once again the
voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one
more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came
careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were
you when I got married?"

JOKE 14

Feeling a light itch, the elephant shook itself,
tossing all the ants away. But... no, wait... look
at that little young ant: it kept in hanging down
the elephant neck! The remaining ants couldn't trust
their own eyes, just a moment of astonishment,
then they began to cheer the little ant: "Great,
you got it! And now... come on, strangle it to
death!"

More Jokes!

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