POSTED 03-02-01
JOKE #1
Ronald, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his
wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the
world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking
through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a
very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench.
Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking
white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly,"
and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything.
They discovered that they came from the same part of the country,
liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential
candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in
the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked
sheepishly,
"Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation Marcia replied,
"Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and
spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down
on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of
hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all
my life.
Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Ronald's hands and said,
"Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"
She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia
said,
"You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second
question?"
Ronald scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"
JOKE #2
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on the 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's all of them!"
JOKE #3
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a
visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look
like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't
they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained
her major worry.
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to
heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
JOKE #4
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards
away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the
subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada
for years. The now widowed woman, lived on the farm with her
son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter.
"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come
to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided
that our land is really part of the United States. We have the
right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you
think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right
now and tell them we accept. I don't think I could stand another
one of those Canadian winters!"
JOKE #5
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over lunch.
"I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me
terribly nervous."
My Fred used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I
broke him of the habit."
"Really, how?" asked the first woman.
"Easy, I hid his teeth."
JOKE #6
A doctor gave a 92-year-old man a physical exam. A few days
later he happened to notice the man walking down the street
with his arm around a gorgeous young woman and grinning from
ear to ear.
The next time he encountered the man, the doctor said, "You
are really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc," the man agreed. "You said,
Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
"I didn't say that," replied the doctor. "I said you got a
heart murmur. And be careful."
JOKE #7
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the
window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the
blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight
attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should
inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has
been for some time."
JOKE #8
Advantages Of Being Old
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
JOKE #9
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and
an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters
showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent
had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window
gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending
you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no
for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said.
"I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was
that old guy I had to share the room with?"
JOKE #10
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor
asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies.
"I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my
child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well,
let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter.
He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a
hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his
gun.
"So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in
front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the
bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front
of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,"
the man said.
"Exactly," replies the Doc.
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