HEAVEN JOKES |
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A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book
to see if the guy's name is written in it. After
several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows
his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name
written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter
replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the
stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent
that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't
arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're
waiting for the update to come through, can you tell
me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there
was this one time when I was driving down a road and I
saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor
girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were,
about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated,
I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk,
and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge
guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I
walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle
around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and
smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I
turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave
this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of
SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach
you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this
happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
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Joke #2
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday
and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a
brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand
and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're
celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years
old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only
lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added
up your time sheets."
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JOKE #3
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get
you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have
to go back to Earth for a week but you can't go back
as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring high above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," said St. Peter, and "POOF," the first priest
is gone.
The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this new action on Earth 'count' on my
Heavenly tally?"
"No, son, I told you the computer's down. There's no way
we can keep track of what you're doing this time around."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always
wanted to be a stud!"
"So be it," said St. Peter, and the second priest
disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord
tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will
you have any difficulty locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.
"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the
eagles but the second one could prove to be more
difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Near as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere
in a North Dakota blizzard."
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Joke #4
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to
Heaven. Saint Peter himself meets him at the Pearly Gates
and says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place
is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance
examination. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass
before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter.
I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about
any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life
was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I
have for you is only three questions. What days of the week
begin with the letter 'T'? How many seconds are there in a
year, and third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns
the next day.
Saint Peter says, "Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the
week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd
be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's
not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though,
and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many
seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and
thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest,
how in Heaven'sname could you come up with twelve
seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January
second, February second, March second..."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going
with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't
quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint
Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name.
Everybody knows it's Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think
its 'Howard'?"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father
who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...."
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