TO WOMEN WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't/don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that

way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just
say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries,
birthdays and other events you want us to remember on the calendar.
That increases the chance we'll remember by 50%.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good
at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.


It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something
but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

TO WOMEN WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, TWO:

Because I am a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I am a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I am a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I am a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for
which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I am a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.

Because I am a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a
whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator).

Because I am a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger-I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

Because I am a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I am a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay,
I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
Mom, too!

Because I am a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I
really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when
to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have
to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have
my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't
understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like,
what's the connection?

Because I am a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I am a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time
and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and
everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.

Because I am a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I am a man, and this is, after all, the 2000's, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.