We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid...until she closed her
curtains.

He's what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...battery operated!

Unfortuately, since he went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor
license.

Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with strangers.

OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?

That man is so so full of self-importance - when he dies, he wants his mail
forwarded.

I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Hungry Jack's and Pizza
Hut.

I always keep a coathanger in the glove box - just in case I locked my keys in
the car.

To errr is human..to really screw up something up takes a computer.

Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard
can find it.

Women! First they marry you for your money....then they divorce you for it!

I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, "You did last night,...three
times!"

I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a week I think
about doing some exercise.

We have a self-cleaning fridge - the wife leaves stuff in there so long, it
eventually crawls out under it's own steam.

My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive ......I have mixed feelings about
that.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words,...."Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been".

-There is no point in being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

"If my wife really loved me, she would have married someone else."

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together man!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that??

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute
I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!!!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?