POSTED 03-02-01
JOKE #1
The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly
asked the bellboy to take him to the 18th floor.
"Sure thing, son." replied the bellboy.
"How dare you call me son!!" exclaimed the outraged man.
"Well," replied the boy... "I brought you up, didn't I?"
JOKE #2
A man's dog is hit by a truck. He takes the dog to the Vet to
have it checked over. The Vet takes the dog into the examination
room, in walks a cat who sniffs at the dog, then looks over at
the Doctor and shakes it's head. The Doctor says to the man,
"Your dog is in very bad shape."
"Are you sure?" asks the man.
"Yes we just gave the dog a cat scan."
JOKE #3
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out
loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not
supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to
the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing
by the door? They're hushers."
JOKE #4
Joe: Why are you crying?
Bob: I had to shoot my dog."
Joe: My God! Was he mad?
Bob: Well, he wasn't thrilled.
JOKE #5
A man applies for a job. After filling out all of his
applications, he waits anxiously for the outcome.
The employer reads all his applications and says, "We have the
perfect opening for people like you."
"Great!" the applicant says, "What is it?"
"The door."
JOKE #6
A guy goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar
and is met by a bouncer who tells him, "Sorry, you have to have
a necktie."
So the guy goes out to his car, looks around for a necktie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. Then he sees a set of
jumper cables in his trunk and gets an idea. He ties the
starter cables around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly
acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer looks him over
for a few seconds, then says, "Okay, you can come in. But
don't start anything."
JOKE #7
Salesman: "This computer will do half your job for you."
Customer: "Great! I'll take two!"
JOKE #8
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Amal. The other
goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Amal. To which her husband
replies, "Hey, they're twins, remember? So if you've seen
Juan, you've seen Amal.
JOKE #9
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little
boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa,
please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No. Now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make
a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says,
"Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother, no and I'm telling
you, no."
The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog
noise."
The Grandpa says, "What is it with you two? Why do you want
me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said, when you croak
we can go to Disney world!"
JOKE #10
Q. How do you make Holy Water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.
JOKE #11
A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP..." behind him.
Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards
him... "BUMP... BUMP... BUMP..."
The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces
quickly after him ....... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, and locks the door behind him, however, the coffin
crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin
clapping ... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... on the heals of the
terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down
the door.
Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for
something, anything ... all he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin...
and...
of course...
the coffin stops!
JOKE #12
Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when
a fire broke out. The Nuns took there habits off and tied them
together to make a rope to get out of the buliding via the
window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building,
a news reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her,
"Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broke
since they are old?
The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to
break".
JOKE #13
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went
out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the
barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right
over there."
JOKE #14
There where once two brothers called William and Wayne. Will
was 12 years old and his little brother was 3. The neighbors
noticed they always went around together, if William went down
to the ballpark, his little brother would toddle along behind
him, even if the game was a bit rough; and when Wayne went to
playgroup, his elder brother would come too, and sit there with
all the toddlers. One neighbor thought this was really strange,
so one day he leaned over the fence and asked the kid's mother
why they were so inseparable even though they had nothing in
common.
Well, the mother replied, didn't you know: where there's a
Will there's a Wayne.
JOKE #15
It was a fantastic weekend. A fella down the block invited the
entire neighborhood over for a barbecue to prime sirloins,
T-bones, and filet mignons. It just shows you what can happen
when a person's heart opens up and his freezer breaks down.
JOKE #16
A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.
"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.
"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my grades. They're all wet."
"What do you mean 'all wet?'"
"You know," he replied, "...below C-level."
JOKE #17
"Yesterday my grandmother fell down the stairs."
"Cellar?"
"No, I think she can be fixed."
JOKE #18
A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was
telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years
of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General,
an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys
exactly where to get off.
"Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers
remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon," he quietly responded.
JOKE #19
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for
something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling
potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship,
tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling
potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once
again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over
those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I
start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
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